Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
