I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
