last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
