I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
