I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
