I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
