I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
