My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
