Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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