i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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