i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
