If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
