When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I supernannyed him into submission
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
