Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
