i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
