I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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