he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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