im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
