So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
