I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
