If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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