My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
