Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
