so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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