so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
