I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
