He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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