I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Are we still banned from the library?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
