The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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