Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
