I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
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