i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
