he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
