i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
