My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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