Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
