not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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