I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
