I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
