I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
