So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
