Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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