do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
