woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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