I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
