Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
