Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
