you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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