u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
