my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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