i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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